I write this post today from my chair in the infusion room at Dana Farber. It is almost 11:30 am and so far today I have already gotten up and ready, woke up the kids and got them ready for the day, drove in 2 hours of traffic to get to the clinic ,had my labs drawn and an IV put in, was examined, and now I am getting my infusion and Lupron shot. I even managed to sneak some work emails in there too! Not even noon, and a pretty productive but average day in the life of a cancer patient.

Thankfully all still looks good in the world of MY cancer. Labs are good, tumor is small and we continue on. I sit in this infusion room and the waiting room surrounded with other cancer patients. Some of whom you can tell have been in this “game” for a while and some who have the look of worry on their face, maybe from a new diagnosis or bad news. Some patients look like the “typical” cancer patient- bald. Many others look like “normal” people that you could never tell had cancer just by looking at them. Being here at DFCI always amazes me and really puts things into perspective for me.

Trevor, the kids and I have an action packed summer coming up and we look forward to keeping cancer in the background of our lives. We look forward to making great memories and having some fun as a family.

I leave you with this: “Kindness is like a Boomerang, it always comes back to you!” I read this quote on one of the kids juice boxes a few weeks ago at a time when I really needed it. I had had a rough week that included some disappointments from people and this quote struck a chord with me. I have seen quotes with the same meaning on two church signs within the past couple of weeks. Coincidence? Maybe. But I am a big believer in signs. Maybe this is a sign for me to be kinder……I am trying my best! But also a sign to thank the ones that are so kind to me. Your random texts or calls to let me know you are thinking of me always manage to come at a time when I really need them. A small gesture in your world but a really big one in mine! XO

Infusion with a view.

On Patriot’s Day 2016, a naïve me, went to the hospital for what I thought was going to be a routine mammogram only to be told that the results were “very concerning” and that I needed an ultrasound. I went across the hall still thinking that there was no way there was anything wrong with me. I was wrong and over the course of the following week and a half I went from a woman who had it all to a woman with Stage 4 Breast Cancer. I remember in the initial weeks of my diagnosis thinking that I would not be alive for very much longer. I remember telling certain people what I wanted them to tell my kids about me. I remember getting “my affairs” in order b/c I didn’t want Trevor to have too much of a burden if I was not around to handle things.

Here I am a year later… still battling Stage 4 Breast Cancer. The terminal form of breast cancer which has NO cure. Thankfully doing really well and in a way weird way feeling more alive than I ever have before. I try my hardest to live in each moment and to spend my time doing what I truly care about with those that I truly want to be around. I have learned a lot about myself this past year and learned a lot about how much support and love surrounds me.

In the past year I have taken around 252 pills of oral chemotherapy, approximately 365 pills to eliminate the estrogen in my body, had 12 shots to shut down my ovaries, given countless tubes of blood and cried myself to sleep almost every night. BUT I get up each morning, put on a brave face and move on. Some days, for small amounts of time, forgetting about this beast that lies beneath the surface of my body.

So this time of year is my “Cancerversary”. Do you celebrate a Cancerversary? I am not sure if you should celebrate the day that you are handed your death sentence? Or do you look at it from a different perspective and celebrate that you are still here a year, or hopefully, years later. I am not going to celebrate the anniversary of my cancer diagnosis. I am going to celebrate the miracle combinations of drugs that I am on that continue to let me live my “normal” life. I choose to celebrate the amazing team of doctors that I have that are continuously looking for ways to make my life longer. I will celebrate still being here!

Many people ask me why I have a blog or why I am doing so much to raise money for the Jimmy Fund. This blog is my outlet, my therapy. It is also a way for me to keep people informed as to what is going on with me and to also educate people about a disease (Metastatic Breast Cancer) that I never knew about. As you can tell I am not a writer and make numerous grammatical errors! The one thing about this blog is it is authentic. I write what I feel as I am feeling it. I do not reread or proof read what I write. I type and then hit “publish”. (kind of like how I talk, I think it and say it! HA)

The reason for my passion in raising funds for the Jimmy Fund and Dana Farber goes back to my control freak tendencies stated in the bio of this blog. Raising money makes me feel like I am directly helping fuel the research that may find the cure for me and others like me. If a cure is found I can rest easier that Quinn and all of her little girlfriends and cousins will never have to deal with this.

Thank you all for staying with me on this journey for the past year. I hope that this is a very long journey that has only just begun.

XO

My recent treatment and my daily breakfast!

When I first received my diagnosis I was originally Stage 2B. A few days later on a Friday morning,  was when I learned that I was Stage 4. When the doctor entered the room along with two nurses and a social worker to deliver me the news I knew it was going to be bad. Right after they told me I naturally freaked out and kept saying over and over, “I am a good person, why is this happening?” I remember the social worker- a short older woman who got close to me and said, “Kids are good people and they get cancer too”. I very rudely told this woman to get away from me (oops, but in my defense they had just given me my death sentence). Then they sedated me and the rest is a blur. Well what that poor social worker said that day could not be truer……. About a week ago the son of one of my childhood classmates passed away from this dreaded disease. This one hit me hard. This little boy fought so hard and he and his family showed what it means to come together and face cancer head on with all you have. I still question often and try to see what I did to deserve this but the fact that this precious and innocent little boy proves that cancer does not discriminate and is not given as a punishment.

With that said, I am SICK. Sick for the obvious reasons but just sick of it all. I am sick of taking medicine. I am sick of thinking every ache and pain I have is the beginning of the end. I am sick of the appointments. I am sick of the search for new ways to be healthier. I am sick of the medical bills. I am sick of Cancer being everywhere…..I am not sure if it truly is or if I am just hyper aware of it now. Unfortunately, this is my new life and there is no way to escape it. This is what needs to happen to increase my chances of being here longer. I just wish I could go back to the days when my worries were a little bit different. One of the hardest thing for me is the absolute mind f**k the whole situation is. In a way I feel great, maybe even better than I ever have since I am really trying to take care of myself. I know this is a blessing and will change at some point but it is so hard to sit and wonder sometimes how long this stretch of feeling great and still being “me” is going to last.

In addition to my medication and hormone therapy, I have tried numerous different treatments/ways to get my body back into balance and in tip top shape. Here are a few things I have tried so far:

1. Reiki- Reiki by definition is: a healing technique based on the principle that the therapist can channel energy into the patient by means of touch, to activate the natural healing processes of the patient’s body and restore physical and emotional well-being. I see my Reiki master every two weeks and it is by far one of my favorite “treatments”. I was skeptical at first but felt a big change in the way I felt immediately after my first appointment.
2. Bio Feedback- I see a social worker almost one a week who also practices bio feedback. I am hooked up to different monitors that show how my body reacts to different situations etc. Once we were able to see how my body responds she has been able to help me find ways to help get my body back into balance and not so reactive. Mainly through different breathing techniques and mindfulness. I have been in several stressful situations where I have practiced my breathing techniques and have been able to stop from feeling anxious or having a panic attack.
3. Myofascial release: I did this recently and really enjoyed it. Again, the point is to get your body back into balance so that everything flows the way it is supposed to. The only way I can describe this is a degree after a deep tissue massage and a degree before a chiropractor. This was amazing! I felt like Gumby after the appointment and basically felt realigned and balanced!! Goal achieved!
4. Exercise! We joined the YMCA in our town and I started going to Yoga and Zumba! I did love Yoga but between appointments and a hectic schedule am ashamed to admit that I have not been going lately. I have been going to Zumba (or club mom as I sometimes like to call it) at least once a week. I truly enjoy it not only for the exercise but for the fun.
5. Float tank: I have been wanting to try the float tank/deprivation tank experience for awhile and found it on Groupon so gave it a shot. Basically you go into a “tank” and submerge in about a foot of water that is dense with salt and heated to body temperature. Due to the amount of salt your body becomes completely buoyant and you just float for an hour. At first I was not sure about the whole thing. It is kind of like being in a really dark coffin with really salty water. I got out after 15 minutes but decided to finish my session since I had paid for it. In the end, it was a cool experience but I am not sure that it is one that I will do again. I will say though that I did notice that even though I was in complete silence and in the dark- which would usually bring my mind to race with all kinds of thoughts- I was completely relaxed and in a way “thoughtless”. My mind did not race at all when I was in there so I guess the goal was kind of achieved.
   

   Just finishing up in the float tank.

I had my routine appointment this morning at Dana Farber and all continues to look good! I found out that a new treatment was approved by the FDA on Monday that is for people with my specific cancer makeup! Great news as this means that when my current regimen stops working, there will be another treatment lined up for me. My oncologist also informed me during my February appointment that they found two specific mutations in my original breast tumor. Luckily for me, there are two drugs currently in clinical trials that target these two mutations!!! Amazing news for me as all of these treatments will prolong my life and continue to give me a good quality of life through these treatments.

The 1st Annual Cabral’s Crusaders Fundraiser is quickly approaching. If you would like to attend, please purchase your tickets via the link on this blog!

Patiently waiting for my Lupron shot. (only so many photo options in the Dr.’s office)

We are in the process of planning the first annual Cabral’s Crusaders fundraiser! All proceeds will be applied to our walk team for the 2017 Jimmy Fund Walk. This years event will be a wine/craft beer tasting held at Metacomet Country Club on April 28th. So Save the Date as we expect a great turnout and a really fun night full of friends, food, entertainment and raffle items!! Tickets will be available soon.

If you would like to help out by donating an item for our raffle please feel free to email me at aprilcabral@gmail.com

XOXO,

April

This girl is still STABLE!!! My latest set of scans were this past Wednesday and boy was it a LONG day. We left our house at 5:45, arrived in Boston at 8:15, was poked, scanned and examined all day long and finally made it home around 8:30! It was draining. The anxiety of these appointments sets in the night before, not only for me but for Trevor too!! I usually feel ok while driving in but as soon as I sit in the chair to get my IV put in all of my emotions come flooding out. The nervousness of just not knowing. Knowing what the outcome will be on this one particular day. Not knowing if this bitch cancer has spread or if we are still outsmarting it. Not knowing if my new normal (which I am getting used to) is over and I will have to start a new treatment regime and begin another new normal. Thankfully my oncologist came into the room (a couple of hrs late) with a smile saying that everything looks great. The affected lymph nodes look smaller, the bones look like they are still healing, there are no new spots and bottom line…..this treatment is working! My doctor is extremely confident that I am going to do well with this disease and that we will treat it as a chronic illness rather than terminal. One we have all heard said before but when you are dealing with CANCER it is hard to accept that this can be dealt with. She reiterated that I have many things in my favor- my overall great health (with the exception of the beast), the fact that I have minimal disease in my bones, the fact that my cancer had never been exposed to chemo making it really easy to manipulate! I will continue to have my monthly appointments complete with my Lupron shot, start getting scanned every 4 months as opposed to the original plan of every three months (a good sign) and get my infusion every three months as well.

As odd as it all is I am feeling somewhat peaceful about this situation. I feel confident that I am going to be ok with this disease and that I will be one of the “exceptional responders” and live for a long time with this (most days anyways). This feeling of confidence and peace also makes me feel pretty naïve and somewhat stupid but it is what it is and we will just have to wait and see what happens. Such is life, right?

Thank you all for your continued support and prayers. They mean the world to me and are really helping me get through all of this. At the risk of sounding really cheesy, I watched a movie recently called Miracles From Heaven. It is based on a true story of a child with a horrible disease that could not be cured (who happened to be treated at Children’s in Boston). She had an accident unrelated to her disease, apparently went to heaven, and came back to life cured of her illness. While you think this is the point of the title, it is not. The point of the title is that after she is cured, the family reflects on the little miracles that they were blessed with while going through this terrible ordeal. It made me reflect on all of the tiny miracles that I have been blessed with. The friends who set up your blog for you, the friends you haven’t seen or spoken to in years who reach out or express their care, the ones that fill your fridge with food for the days you aren’t feeling well, the family and friends that rally around you, the awesome trip with your girlfriends that make you laugh, the Reiki master who gives you a discount and free session, the therapist who takes your case without charging you, the family that takes are of your kids on scan days so we can just focus on the hospital visit knowing the kids are ok. These and so many more instances are all blessings that may not seem like much to the ones doing them but they mean the world to me.

Thumbs up for stability!

When I first received my diagnosis naturally I turned to the internet and doctor google for as much information as I could find. Through my research I came across a woman named Anne from California. This woman had the most infectious smile, one that just made you feel better when you saw it. I found that she was a married woman with a two year old daughter who had beaten early stage breast cancer only to find that her cancer had metastasized last March. This woman was a fighter and leaned on being fit and her faith to get her through. I spoke with her a few times through social media and she was someone who made me feel like I could get through this. Sadly, Anne’s cancer won this past week as she passed away leaving behind a two year old and her husband. As you can imagine hearing this news and news of so many other woman who pass on daily from the same disease that I have gets my mind racing….in the wrong direction.

I find myself waking up at 2am (why that time I have no idea) almost every night. Since the rest of my family is sleeping the only thing I can do is think. Think about what will happen to my family and how this cancer diagnosis is going to and has changed our lives. I think about the odds; odds are that with this diagnosis I probably will not get to grow old with my husband and retire somewhere warm. I probably will never be able to hold my grandchildren. I think about the milestones in life that people take for granted-seeing my youngest off to kindergarten, picking out a prom or wedding dress with Quinn, dancing with Colin at his wedding. These are all things that I hope and pray I am still here for (and many more obviously) but I just don’t know. Cancer has possibly stolen these things from me. Although I have these thoughts (kind of all of the time) overall mentally I am feeling ok. Physically I feel fine too. I think that these thoughts I have are very natural and expected given the circumstances.

I had my eighth maintenance appointment this morning. It was an easy appointment. The usual nine tubes of blood, an exam and my shot. All looks fine still and my sensitive toenails, steady weight gain and 2 AM wake ups are all normal issues for someone with this diagnosis. Next month will be a big appointment as that is when I will have my next set of scans and have what they call “re-staging” which just means that they check to make sure that their is no progression and that the cancer still remains under control.

While waiting for my appointment today, Sarah and I were chatting about how great some people are and how fortunate I have been to meet some wonderful people through this diagnosis. I hope that this Christmas season you are able to pay forward something good to someone who may need it and if you are someone who may need it then I hope that someone reaches out and helps you. In a world full of so much hate and bad news, it is nice to know that there is still so much good out there.

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas.

Getting ready for my big shot in the bum!

This morning was my monthly “maintenance” appointment. Cycle #7! I cannot believe how quickly the time is flying by. I feel like my whole life is timed on these monthly appointments and it feels like they come sooner each month. Thankfully this mornings appointments went very easy, almost too easy! My girl Roxanne is out this week so I had a new male nurse putting my IV in. Luckily for me, he listened when I told him not to use the veins in my hands and he was able to stick me quickly and painlessly. Everything continues to look really good. More importantly, I continue to feel very good!! My doctor has decided that I no longer need to have the monthly bone infusion and that going forward I will only need to get the infusion every three months! Great news considering a little less that is being pumped into my body all of the time. Next month is another routine visit and then in January we have the next set of scans. All prayers welcome that things will remain stable!

This Thanksgiving (and everyday) I am incredibly thankful for so many things.  I am thankful for the two little, amazing people that have made me a mom. They continue to amaze me every day and I am proud of the people that they are becoming. I am thankful for an amazing husband that has been the epitome of love and support and reminds me daily that I can do this! I am thankful to have such wonderful family around us that has come to my rescue time and time again, whether it be helping me with my kids or just showing us endless support and love. I am thankful for so many wonderful friends who have proven how fortunate we are to be surrounded by so many who truly care about and love us. I am thankful to live in a place that houses some of the worlds best doctors and thankful that these people are the ones that are treating me. I am thankful for modern medicine for which is keeping me alive and living a normal life despite this diagnosis. I am thankful to have a job where the people I work with and for have shown me the utmost support and have worked with me through all of this.

Obviously I wish that I was not in this situation and that cancer has not found a home in my by body but I am thankful for what having Cancer has taught me. It has shown me that I am stronger than I could have ever imagined.  It has taught me that there are so many things in life that are not worth getting upset about or worrying over. It has shown me that things can change in an instant; be present and cherish moments with the people you love.

Happy Thanksgiving. I wish you all a great day with your love ones. XOXO

We recently returned from our week long trip to Disney. A full week of park hopping, character dining and the Halloween Party. I am exhausted! It was a great trip filled with so many wonderful memories that I know my children will always remember. I am so thankful to my parents that took us on this trip and allowed us to escape our reality for a week and make these wonderful memories.

For one week, we did not discuss my cancer or even acknowledge its presence and it felt AMAZING! I felt wonderful for the majority of the week and was able to walk almost 10 miles a day…..there is A LOT of walking involved in a trip to Disney. Since my diagnosis I have been trying to eat healthier and have eliminated sugar. Well for one week in Disney I allowed myself to eat whatever I wanted! I am not ashamed to admit that I had two Dole Whips a day!!! If you have never had a Dole Whip it is a must try item!!

It was a wonderful week and I look forward to the day when I can return again and make more memories with my family. For now it is back to reality- back to work, school and working on being the healthiest and strongest cancer fighting girl that there is!!

Yesterday was my monthly appointment at Dana Farber. My first appointment was at 7:00 so we decided it was better for me to go in alone and have Trevor get the kids up and ready for school to maintain their normal routine. I am the one that normally drives to and from my appointments b/c Trevor hates city driving and I know my way around (and I’ll admit I am a horrible passenger!).  Not sure if it is my increased anxiety this past week or if my head is just somewhere else but I missed my exit forcing me to take Storrow drive during rush hour,  had to move my car three times b/c I could not park properly, and then I tried to check on the 8th floor! All of my appointments are always on the NINTH floor!!!! Luckily Sarah was me for the whole day which helped and we were able to chuckle at my craziness! In my opinion they really need to stop making every floor identical b/c it very easy to get confused as to where you are!

All still looks good. All of my test results are still showing that the treatment is working. The main concern for me at this appointment was the fact that for the past week I am having a hard time breathing. I can’t catch my breath and feel like I have someone sitting on my chest. I had a chest x-ray done and my lungs and chest look fine.

Bottom line is I think this is all catching up to me. This heaviness and hard time breathing is anxiety and is causing me to have panic attacks. My questions is why. Why now am I feeling this way? Is it b/c for the past 6 months I have tried to put on a brave face for everyone around me? Is it b/c I don’t want anyone to see how truly saddened and scared I am through all of this? Is it b/c my baby turns three tomorrow and I am not sure how many birthdays I will get to celebrate with him or if he will ever remember me before all of this? Is it b/c next week I am travelling to the happiest place on earth (which I am so excited for), Disney, with my family and I am not sure if I will ever get to go back there with my kids? Is it b/c no matter how many times I try to pretend that this is not happening the horrible reality of it all is that I have a Stage 4 incurable cancer? Is it b/c through all of my research about this disease and through all of the people that I have met it is a sure thing that a very long and hard road is ahead of me?

I don’t take for granted that I am feeling fine still and that the medicines are doing their job and working for me but there is so much uncertainty to my life and it is weighing down hard on me right now. Hopefully I will be able to snap out of this soon on my own and will be able to make some really great memories with my family next week.