Cycle #8 and 2 AM thoughts


When I first received my diagnosis naturally I turned to the internet and doctor google for as much information as I could find. Through my research I came across a woman named Anne from California. This woman had the most infectious smile, one that just made you feel better when you saw it. I found that she was a married woman with a two year old daughter who had beaten early stage breast cancer only to find that her cancer had metastasized last March. This woman was a fighter and leaned on being fit and her faith to get her through. I spoke with her a few times through social media and she was someone who made me feel like I could get through this. Sadly, Anne’s cancer won this past week as she passed away leaving behind a two year old and her husband. As you can imagine hearing this news and news of so many other woman who pass on daily from the same disease that I have gets my mind racing….in the wrong direction.

I find myself waking up at 2am (why that time I have no idea) almost every night. Since the rest of my family is sleeping the only thing I can do is think. Think about what will happen to my family and how this cancer diagnosis is going to and has changed our lives. I think about the odds; odds are that with this diagnosis I probably will not get to grow old with my husband and retire somewhere warm. I probably will never be able to hold my grandchildren. I think about the milestones in life that people take for granted-seeing my youngest off to kindergarten, picking out a prom or wedding dress with Quinn, dancing with Colin at his wedding. These are all things that I hope and pray I am still here for (and many more obviously) but I just don’t know. Cancer has possibly stolen these things from me. Although I have these thoughts (kind of all of the time) overall mentally I am feeling ok. Physically I feel fine too. I think that these thoughts I have are very natural and expected given the circumstances.

I had my eighth maintenance appointment this morning. It was an easy appointment. The usual nine tubes of blood, an exam and my shot. All looks fine still and my sensitive toenails, steady weight gain and 2 AM wake ups are all normal issues for someone with this diagnosis. Next month will be a big appointment as that is when I will have my next set of scans and have what they call “re-staging” which just means that they check to make sure that their is no progression and that the cancer still remains under control.

While waiting for my appointment today, Sarah and I were chatting about how great some people are and how fortunate I have been to meet some wonderful people through this diagnosis. I hope that this Christmas season you are able to pay forward something good to someone who may need it and if you are someone who may need it then I hope that someone reaches out and helps you. In a world full of so much hate and bad news, it is nice to know that there is still so much good out there.

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas.

Getting ready for my big shot in the bum!


5 thoughts on “Cycle #8 and 2 AM thoughts

  1. Lauren says:

    How you are able to have these incredibly scary thoughts and carry such sadness daily while still being you and do all that you do is the definition of strength. So much love to you my friend.

  2. Donna Leitao says:

    As I read your journal, sometimes in the train going to work (which is so crazy on my part) I think if the little girl I met when I first moved to wb. How much you helped all my kids fit in in little wb. You are a constant love ball. It shows in everything you do and the ppl that surround you. You shine above. Im so happy that you have such a big support group and new Super size family that loves you. Keep the faith and stay strong. Lots of love

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