Yesterday was my monthly appointment at Dana Farber. My first appointment was at 7:00 so we decided it was better for me to go in alone and have Trevor get the kids up and ready for school to maintain their normal routine. I am the one that normally drives to and from my appointments b/c Trevor hates city driving and I know my way around (and I’ll admit I am a horrible passenger!). Not sure if it is my increased anxiety this past week or if my head is just somewhere else but I missed my exit forcing me to take Storrow drive during rush hour, had to move my car three times b/c I could not park properly, and then I tried to check on the 8th floor! All of my appointments are always on the NINTH floor!!!! Luckily Sarah was me for the whole day which helped and we were able to chuckle at my craziness! In my opinion they really need to stop making every floor identical b/c it very easy to get confused as to where you are!
All still looks good. All of my test results are still showing that the treatment is working. The main concern for me at this appointment was the fact that for the past week I am having a hard time breathing. I can’t catch my breath and feel like I have someone sitting on my chest. I had a chest x-ray done and my lungs and chest look fine.
Bottom line is I think this is all catching up to me. This heaviness and hard time breathing is anxiety and is causing me to have panic attacks. My questions is why. Why now am I feeling this way? Is it b/c for the past 6 months I have tried to put on a brave face for everyone around me? Is it b/c I don’t want anyone to see how truly saddened and scared I am through all of this? Is it b/c my baby turns three tomorrow and I am not sure how many birthdays I will get to celebrate with him or if he will ever remember me before all of this? Is it b/c next week I am travelling to the happiest place on earth (which I am so excited for), Disney, with my family and I am not sure if I will ever get to go back there with my kids? Is it b/c no matter how many times I try to pretend that this is not happening the horrible reality of it all is that I have a Stage 4 incurable cancer? Is it b/c through all of my research about this disease and through all of the people that I have met it is a sure thing that a very long and hard road is ahead of me?
I don’t take for granted that I am feeling fine still and that the medicines are doing their job and working for me but there is so much uncertainty to my life and it is weighing down hard on me right now. Hopefully I will be able to snap out of this soon on my own and will be able to make some really great memories with my family next week.
6 thoughts on “Cycle #6”
Thank you for sharing your very raw and authentic truth. You inspire me daily and remind me that owning ALL of my feelings is healthy and gives me strength! Love you
April, you are the best! It’s ok to feel this way…you can’t be superwoman ALL the time!! But it’s great news from the hospital and hopefully that will lift your spirits, so you can just enjoy your vacation with your beautiful family! Have a BLAST!!!
It is all those things! And so many more that your subconscious May be aware of that you may not even be. You are grieving. Mourning for the life you thought you were going to have. Grief is a long process and everyone deals with it in their own way. My grief also brought on panic attacks That I haven’t had for 20 years. It’s good that you’re talking about it, so you don’t have to suffer alone. Reach out, let people help. Lots of people would love to! Because lots of people love you.
We are so taken by the strength you’ve shown. You need to break down and have moments of why. We love you very much and can’t wait for next week. Disney or not looking forward to spending a week with everyone.
April, can’t wait to see you in just a few months! I love you and your strength and courage inspires me. Take lots of pics in Disney, I’m sure you guys are going to have a great time and it will be unforgettable.
April, You are in our heart always! Thank you for sharing your very personal thoughts.