I find myself saying this a lot lately “It is what is is”. I also heard another cancer fighter say the same thing today and it pissed me off. This is where we are in this life with terminal cancer. Honestly, it is the truth. It is what it is and we have very little control over it. I am a prisoner to this cancer. In my cancer riddled body. Cancer has stolen so much from me. My freedom in some ways, my future in many ways, my hopes and dreams. I have become my cancer. Many of the things I do are based on and off of my disease and I am very over it. As you all know we learned my cancer had spread in November and I entered a new trial in December. The month of December was so tough for me. Many side effects and lots of pain from the new treatment. I got through it and through a dose reduction started to feel “fine” on the new meds for the month of January.
I was scanned on January 30th and found out this week that the past trial did not work. At all. My current liver spots grew and two more have popped up. There are also suspicious spots now in my lungs that will be watched. 2019 was such a hard year for me with this disease and I was really hoping that 2020 was going to be easier for me. This will not be my reality. I am now switching over to chemotherapy in a couple of weeks. We will attempt to hit the cancer with a “double whammy” and be very aggressive to try to get this under control. I will enter into a new trial that involves two chemotherapy pills. One that is not FDA approved yet and has to be administered at the hospital and one that i will take at home. They come with there own new side effects and lots of additional doctor’s appointments.
I am terrified. I am sad. I think everyday what I could have done to deserve this. I am struggling to remain positive and have hope. I do know that having your health is something that should never be taken for granted.