It Is What It Is

I find myself saying this a lot lately “It is what is is”. I also heard another cancer fighter say the same thing today and it pissed me off. This is where we are in this life with terminal cancer. Honestly, it is the truth. It is what it is and we have very little control over it. I am a prisoner to this cancer. In my cancer riddled body. Cancer has stolen so much from me. My freedom in some ways, my future in many ways, my hopes and dreams. I have become my cancer. Many of the things I do are based on and off of my disease and I am very over it. As you all know we learned my cancer had spread in November and I entered a new trial in December. The month of December was so tough for me. Many side effects and lots of pain from the new treatment. I got through it and through a dose reduction started to feel “fine” on the new meds for the month of January.

I was scanned on January 30th and found out this week that the past trial did not work. At all. My current liver spots grew and two more have popped up. There are also suspicious spots now in my lungs that will be watched. 2019 was such a hard year for me with this disease and I was really hoping that 2020 was going to be easier for me. This will not be my reality. I am now switching over to chemotherapy in a couple of weeks. We will attempt to hit the cancer with a “double whammy” and be very aggressive to try to get this under control. I will enter into a new trial that involves two chemotherapy pills. One that is not FDA approved yet and has to be administered at the hospital and one that i will take at home. They come with there own new side effects and lots of additional doctor’s appointments.

I am terrified. I am sad. I think everyday what I could have done to deserve this. I am struggling to remain positive and have hope. I do know that having your health is something that should never be taken for granted.

8 thoughts on “It Is What It Is

  1. Danni Cabral says:

    I hate that you have to go through all of this. It’s so heartbreaking and unfair. I’m praying that your new chemotherapy works. Keep fighting and being brave. We love you ❤️

  2. Suzi says:

    April, there are no words to match what you’re going though, but please – you’ve done NOTHING to deserve this! Don’t make it any harder for yourself or waste your energy by torturing yourself that way.
    Chemo sucks. I’m glad that they’ve got something to fight it.
    Sending you love and strength. F Cancer.

  3. Kathy says:

    Hello there my dear April- my name is Kathy, my husband Steve works for Chris. I am writing after reading your post as my eyes filled with tears because I not only want to say how sorry I am that you are going through this but, share that I have also been where you are now. At a time that I was running 5-7 miles a day and body building 4-5 days a week (at my physical best), I felt a small pain in my left shoulder. Just thought it was a cyst but, when removed spread into my lymph nodes and I was immediately diagnosed with a very rare cancer at that point stage 3. After 6 weeks of daily radiation and PDL1 blocker, I felt a lump under my arm. Another scan showed it spread to my lung, liver, kidneys and bones. Full stage 4 and told that my cancer doesn’t generally respond to chemo on July 17, 2018, I was told that I had ~3 months, to move up my daughter’s wedding and get my affairs in order. They recommended a double dose of chemo Etopside and Cisplatin for 5 months, 3 days in a row, every 3 weeks as a last ditch effort and told I would lose all my hair in 10 days. Got through it, saved my hair via cold caps, and now 5 clear scans later…… I enjoyed my daughter’s graduation, wedding, vacations, holidays and now my son’s graduation and going to be a grandma, yay! I know the dark place you are in right now but, want to reach out to you to offer any and all advice, support, prayer and inspiration that I can to help you get through this too. I learnt so much and feel that my gift of life should be used to help others. I hope to hear from you so I can help in any way I can. Be strong- Kathy

  4. Lauren says:

    I don’t know why you were given this fight but I do know that you’ve always been a fighter. Here’s to more hope in 2020. Love you <3

  5. CJ says:


    I have heavy emotions. I dont spend any time on social media or have followed what you have shared on your blog. Part of this may be because I cant be bothered with ridiculous trivial crap that so much of us today get caught up with online. I can say that I now see now the positive side with all the outreach of support from everyone and even from those you may not even know.

    You are my big sister and I have always looked up to you. Your strength and independence most importantly.

    I cant talk about or even imagine what you are going through. I have tried and crashed and burned. As I sit here with tears in the other room -so no one can see me, I can assure you you did nothing nothing to deserve this. Please do not start leaning this way. I feel like the plan for us is what we can handle. I hate hospitals and seeing people sick. I was so proud to have a son but when we learned he would have a marathon medical history I thought of how strong you are and how I looked up to you. This is what has helped me.

    I can sense the frustration and step back demeanor in this last update and this is not who you are or who I have looked up to my entire life. You have made me jealous in many ways.

    I am as confused and burdened with trying to understand this as our parents and friends. Please know that it hurts me that you feel this way and that you are battling this shit disease. If there was anything I could do to take it away I would, but unfortunately this isn’t the movies.

    Even through the last few years you have given me more to look up to, I frankly dont know how you have done it.

    Confused, hurt, and very proud brother,

  6. Sarah says:

    It’s unfair and cruel, is what it is. There is no better person and you do not deserve any of this. You have always been the life of the party, the most caring and thoughtful wife, daughter, best friend and an unbelievable mother. I know you will dig deep and find the strength to continue to be just that because that’s just who you are. This next trial will work!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *