A couple of weeks ago I attended a Metastatic Breast Cancer conference in Philadelphia. Thankfully, Sarah joined me. If she hadn’t I probably would have spent the entire weekend in my hotel room! The whole thing was overwhelming. The thought of spending the entire weekend talking about my cancer was a lot for me to grasp. After the initial shock of it all, the weekend became easier and really a great time. I met women who i have followed on FB or Instagram for years as they are somewhat “Superstars” in this cancer land that i live in. I met women who were recently diagnosed who thought it was amazing that I am entering my fourth year of treatment with this disease. I also met women who have been living with this disease for far longer than I have. To be in a room with over 400 women who nodded their head at the same things I did and who teared up at the same time I did, was amazing and very therapeutic.
One of my favorite moments at this conference was when a therapist/ social worker spoke. She mainly works with patients who are on hospice and are at the end of their battle. She spoke about how, as Stage 4 Cancer Patients, we must GRIEVE. Grieve the life we thought we would have. From grieving this and accepting that my life will not be 100% what I had hoped for because of this, then I can start living in the NOW. Live in the now and focus on what is right in front of me now.
Oddly enough when I went to my appointment yesterday, I had an agonizing day. My port did not work. Yes THE PORT. The one that I hate. The one that sticks out of my chest and reminds me constantly of my dire situation. The one that was supposed to make my life easier- freaking did not work!!! To be honest I am not surprised. I honestly feel like I am constantly being tested. Nothing goes easy or the way it is supposed to. After hours of waiting, having an IV put in my arm, and getting some magic medicine that “fixes” the port. We were on our way and i received my treatment. What i originally thought was going to be a 3 hour day turned into a 7 hour day. I spent a lot of the day in tears. My nurse yesterday told me that I cannot be worried about the things that I cannot control. I could not control that my port did not work. I could not control that it took so long to receive my treatment. Those that know me know that the hardest part of this disease for me is losing so much control of my own life. My control freak side is really struggling.
As I enter my fourth year of treatment and am really feeling like a full time cancer patient it is all becoming a little bit too much. The part that scares me the most is that while I am dealing with a lot right now, I could also be dealing with a lot more and I am not sure I am ready to see what could be in store for me. I will have scans next week to see if this line of treatment is working and for now we can only just hope, pray and wait to see.
On a happier note, I just took Colin to his Kindergarten screening. I had taken Quinn to hers two weeks before I was diagnosed in 2016. For some reason, I remember thinking and saying when i was diagnosed that i would probably not be alive to take Colin to his screening. For something so small, i was so unbelievably happy to have been there with him and just have to hope I can be there for much more.
Our 2019 fundraiser for the Cabral’s Crusaders will be a Paw Sox Family night complete with an all you can eat BBQ, Game, Events for the kids, and fireworks. Please join us as this will be a fun night with proceeds going to Metastatic Breast Cancer research at Dana Farber.
Please visit the link below to purchase your tickets.