Yesterday I received a port. Right in my chest. Something that will allow the meds to be given since i have week veins. For whatever reason I cannot get over this. It is breaking my heart and I think since the beginning, when i was first diagnosed, is making my cancer very “real” to me (if that makes any sense whatsoever since i have had cancer for three years).
I had a 6 AM arrival time at the Brigham. Trevor and I left our house at 4 am, valet’d the car and got started. After checking in we were brought to to the pre-operation room (I don’t think that is what is really called). I got undressed and the nurse attempted to put my IV in. Well guess what- she had a hard time (hence the need for the port). When i started to, or rather continued to cry, she told me that “I am what nurses call a “FRAGILE FLOWER”. Now I LOVE nurses, especially the ones that take care of me on a regular basis. Lauren, Roxanne, Meghan and Trish are all women that i adore and that take such great care of me. This nurse yesterday took good care of me as well but i definitely had to tell her that ” if she had gone through even half of what i have been through she would be a “fragile flower” too.
What she didn’t realize is that this fragile flower has been crying for days. This fragile flower feels like my life will never be the same. This fragile flower knows that this port placement will ultimately make my treatments easier but having this foreign thing in my body makes the cancer very present at all times. She doesn’t know that i carry a million pounds on my shoulders every single day. She didn’t know that i have been dealing with a very painful allergic reaction to one of my meds for the past five days. She doesn’t realize that this fragile flower’s heart breaks every time her eight year old days the word cancer (something she has become aware of recently). This fragile flower worries 24/7, for my kids, Trevor, my family and for what the future has in store for all of us. I know whatever it may be, it is not going to be easy. So maybe this nurse was right. Right now, i am a “fragile flower”. But i think i damn well deserve to be.