I started to write a blog post on NY Eve that was titled 2019: Bring it On. Well I was pretty sick on NY Eve and never finished the post. As you can see, the title of the post has since changed and the year is off to a rough start. I have been plagued with a cold for about 8 weeks now that my weakened body cannot seem to fight off and then last week was hit with the flu. After two rounds of antibiotics, I am starting to finally feel better, not 100% but definitely better.
I had my first appointment of the year at DFCI last week. Part of every appointment is discussion on how I am feeling and anything new that may have come up. When you have stage 4 cancer every little thing could be something and needs to be mentioned. Well some pain in my back, and some other odd occurrences led me to have to have an MRI of my spine. See i have cancer spots on my spine and the smallest thing could mean something for me.
I reported yesterday morning to DFCI for a 6:30 MRI. I checked in, and called my kids to wish them a great day at school. For some reason this kills me and i have to do it at least once a month. There is something that breaks my heart when i have to call my kids from the waiting room of a cancer center as i wait for my appointments. Thankfully my nurse was able to get my IV in on the first try and they loaded my cancer riddled body into the “tunnel”. I have gotten pretty used to the CT and Bone Scan that i get every three months but i have not had an MRI since my initial diagnosis. At first i felt like i could not breathe. But i calmed myself down and they started the test. For 45 minutes, i laid in this tunnel, headphones on, with tears streaming down my face as this machine checked my spine. See when you are laying in this tunnel, unable to move and escape your own thoughts it gets real. Real in the way that all you can do is think. Think about the fact that you are starting your morning in this god damn machine checking your body because you have Cancer. Think about the fact that you have Cancer and wonder why. Why me? Think about how you really never feel great, how you are always in some sort of pain or discomfort. Think about how exhausted you are most of the time.
While i try to remain positive, keep this blog positive. Right now I want to be real. I know that most around me cannot handle it but this disease and life with this disease sucks. I get it, i am in a better position than most with this Stage 4 Cancer that has consumed my life, body and mind but it sucks and right now i feel defeated. Here’s to hoping that 2019 turns itself around quickly and hopefully after a rough start this year gets much better.