April Cabral

My journey with Metastatic Breast Cancer

Entry 34 of 70

2019; Go F**k Yourself

I started to write a blog post on NY Eve that was titled 2019: Bring it On. Well I was pretty sick on NY Eve and never finished the post. As you can see, the title of the post has since changed and the year is off to a rough start. I have been plagued with a cold for about 8 weeks now that my weakened body cannot seem to fight off and then last week was hit with the flu. After two rounds of antibiotics, I am starting to finally feel better, not 100% but definitely better.

I had my first appointment of the year at DFCI last week. Part of every appointment is discussion on how I am feeling and anything new that may have come up. When you have stage 4 cancer every little thing could be something and needs to be mentioned. Well some pain in my back, and some other odd occurrences led me to have to have an MRI of my spine. See i have cancer spots on my spine and the smallest thing could mean something for me.

I reported yesterday morning to DFCI for a 6:30 MRI. I checked in, and called my kids to wish them a great day at school. For some reason this kills me and i have to do it at least once a month. There is something that breaks my heart when i have to call my kids from the waiting room of a cancer center as i wait for my appointments. Thankfully my nurse was able to get my IV in on the first try and they loaded my cancer riddled body into the “tunnel”. I have gotten pretty used to the CT and Bone Scan that i get every three months but i have not had an MRI since my initial diagnosis. At first i felt like i could not breathe. But i calmed myself down and they started the test. For 45 minutes, i laid in this tunnel, headphones on, with tears streaming down my face as this machine checked my spine. See when you are laying in this tunnel, unable to move and escape your own thoughts it gets real. Real in the way that all you can do is think. Think about the fact that you are starting your morning in this god damn machine checking your body because you have Cancer. Think about the fact that you have Cancer and wonder why. Why me? Think about how you really never feel great, how you are always in some sort of pain or discomfort. Think about how exhausted you are most of the time.

While i try to remain positive, keep this blog positive. Right now I want to be real. I know that most around me cannot handle it but this disease and life with this disease sucks. I get it, i am in a better position than most with this Stage 4 Cancer that has consumed my life, body and mind but it sucks and right now i feel defeated. Here’s to hoping that 2019 turns itself around quickly and hopefully after a rough start this year gets much better.

XO

13 messages left for April

  1. Stacey

    it does suck. keep on keeping on. love you! 🙂

  2. Jill Heroux

    Thank you for always being real, no matter how scary it may be. Everyone that knows and loves you will respect what you are going through and try to support you however they can. Please, call me and reach out with anything you need. I will take the kids for the day or we can make Trevor stay home and we can go out and do whatever you want. I’ve been told that I’m a pretty good listener and I’ve had lots of experience, so lay it on me. You are my inspiration to be a better person and to keep fighting for answers.

  3. Duarte Oliveira

    Love you. you are a strong person trust and believe

  4. Janet Wakefield

    April…I so much admire your courage and honesty to “tell it like it is”. Sure this helps others with this shitty disease cope knowing there’s someone out there feeling what they feel. You also help others who are blessed with not having this shitty disease put life in perspective, a reality check that is needed. Please, please keep fighting…You are in my prayers each and every night…my hero.

  5. Janet Wakefield

    April…I so much admire your courage and honesty to “tell it like it is”. Sure this helps others with this shitty disease cope knowing there’s someone out there feeling what they feel. You also help others who are blessed with not having this shitty disease put life in perspective, a reality check that is needed. Please, please keep fighting…You are in my prayers each and every night…my hero.

  6. Suzi LaRonde

    Be as real as you need to be. Your courage and strength are inspiring, but being strong and brave doesn’t mean denying your day to day reality or your feelings. What you’re going through sucks – and the most positive attitude in the world doesn’t mean you’re not entitled to negative emotions. Hang in there! Better days coming. I wish I was still in MA so I could help somehow.

  7. Monique Duquette

    April, I love your raw and real ness and following your story. I think of you often and I pray for your well being. You’re an inspiration and an amazing advocate for cancer. Please keep sharing with us, the good and the bad. We love you!

  8. Jon

    We love you April. I really hope February brings on better health and some comfort. We have to get together soon. We are always here for you. ❤️

  9. Laura LaTour

    Oh no! I’m sorry 2019 sux so far. Would a free book and a coffee date with a friend help? I’m offering both…

  10. Sarah

    There are no words….it’s shitty and so unfair but you/we have to keep fighting. We love you and are here for you xo

  11. Carrie

    I absolutely understand your thoughts and feelings!! They are honest, raw and REAL. I admire your strength as all of us stage 4 MBC patients have this amazing strength within us. I pray you feel a little better each day.
    Carrie

  12. Ann e Bunker

    💕

  13. Christina Corvo

    Well, I don’t know how you manage to pull this off with such grace, but kudos to you. You are a remarkable person. 🙂