Happy New Year! I hope that this new year brings health and happiness to all those that I love. This year is a sad one for me. It will most likely be one of the last for me.
The week of Christmas I has some very bad lab results that resulted in me needing to be scanned the following week to see what was going on. I was told at the time that we were looking at months being left and that conversations with the kids about my death should start. All of this three days before Christmas. I went into my scans after Christmas thinking that I was halfway in a grave but the results showed a mix bag of results. Some of my liver tumors shrunk but three new ones popped up and about 5 new spots in my bones also showed up. So while Erubilin worked a little it didn’t work enough. So now we move on to treatment number 13- Trodelvy or as the nurses call it “Sassy” (a nickname for the medical name of the drug). Sassy it is and Sassy I am so let’s hope that this works.
I don’t want to say that I am losing hope but it is very hard these days to remain positive and have hope that this med will work. Starting a new med is terrifying. You have to no ideal how it will make you feel or effect your daily life. No idea what side effects to expect. This is now the 13th treatment that I have started and had to get used to. It sucks, its hard and to quite honest, I am tired. Tired of it all. I am not going to give up b/c I have too much to fight for but this life is really hard now. It’s really hard to know that your life is coming to an end but you don’t know when or how long you have but you know its not much and all you can do is throw your hands up in the air and hope for the best.
One of the toughest things I have ever had to do in my life is tell Quinn and Colin that my cancer is going to take me to heaven. As I told them, we don’t know when but my cancer is now more aggressive and medicine is not really working on it anymore. It will take me to heaven sooner than we would like. As you can imagine no child should have to have this conversation. They both dealt with it differently and we spent the rest of the day snuggling and doing things as a family. We are all working together and with others to learn how to deal with this the best and healthiest way possible.
I hope that this year ahead brings my family many great memories and fun times and maybe even a miracle of more time. We shall wait and see as that is all we can do at this point.