It’s OK… not be OK

I’m fine. Doing great. Being diagnosed with terminal cancer you have no choice but to stay positive and tell yourself (and everyone else) that you are fine b/c honestly what good does it do to be sad and show how you are really feeling all the time. I make one hell of an actress don’t I!!

I can tell you that right now, today, this week, the past 8 weeks- I am struggling. Struggling with the working from home, the home schooling, the stress of so many unknowns and on top of it all, my new life as someone on Chemo. Chemo has not been easy for me. My first round I was only able to take the pills for three days before becoming too sick. The second round, i powered through, completed the pills and almost ended up in the hospital from being so sick. My third round I only was able to take the pills for a week before becoming too sick. After this, my medical team decided that in an effort to only kill the cancer and not the host, my treatment needed some tweaking. After getting the approval from the trial drug company I have been allowed to come off of the take at home chemo pills and stay on the hospital administered chemo pills alone. Something the trial would not usually permit but one of the good things to come out of this Covid pandemic. I took the pills two weeks ago and had minimal side effects with the exception of becoming neutropenic (little to no white blood cells) and the scans I had done a couple of days ago show that the treatment IS WORKING! My liver tumors continue to shrink and there are no new lesions in my bones. Great news and I am hopeful that I can continue on this path. It is not easy, but I am trying to have faith that all of the pain and suffering i have endured will be well worth it.

This time of year is tough for me. My birthday is always hard b/c i am not sure how many more I will have. Mother’s Day is really rough because my mind always goes to the place where I know one day my kids will only have me as a memory on Mother’s Day. I was diagnosed four years ago as of the end of April. The statistics still read that there is only a 22% chance of someone surviving this disease for 5 years. These stats are not good enough for me and I can only continue to hope and pray that I will be one of the ones who beats the odds.

We continue to shelter at home except for the occasional drive to get fresh air and a change of scenery. We have excepted that this new “normal” that we are all going through is just a little too much for us. We are changing the expectations that we have on ourselves at home and just trying to get through it in the healthiest and sanest way we can. Hope everyone out there is staying healthy and safe as well.


6 thoughts on “It’s OK… not be OK

  1. Monique Duquette says:

    Sending love your way. I love how honest and open you are with your journey. You are an inspiration. Glad to hear this round is WORKING. Let’s keep on this path!!!!

  2. Sheri Martin says:

    Sending love, hugs, prayers and positive vibes your way. You and your family are always in our thoughts and prayers.

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