Where I Live

It has been about four months since my last blog. I think about blog posts often and what i would like to share with whomever is reading this but have found this summer that my desire to share these things was just not there. We had a wonderful summer this year and made many, many memories as a family. I am very thankful for all these moments together- even the ones where the kids drove me crazy (please god let this be a phase!)

I currently live in a space where I am constantly tired. Tired, literally, as fatigue is one the main side effects of my treatment. It is an exhaustion that is so hard to describe and I feel myself slowing down a bit. Tired as well of it ALL. I am tired of being a patient. Tired of the treatments and tired of having to try to remain positive.

I live in a space where I met a woman yesterday in the waiting room who has been in treatment for 11 years. I completely understand that this is amazing but I honestly cannot fathom the idea of being in treatment all of the time for that long. Sometimes I wish that someone could tell me how much time i have left with this disease. At least I would be able to gauge how to spend the rest of the time. Do what means the most to me in the time I have left instead of pretending that i have a whole lifetime ahead of me.

I live in a space where I know that the treatment I am currently on is relatively “easy” and the treatments only get harder from here. I haven’t felt like myself or “normal” since 2016 and I am terrified of what is to come. I am part of groups online and on FB that is made up of so many woman in the same situation as me. There is not a day that goes by where there is not a post announcing the death of one of these women. It is terrifying.

As I have said before in past posts, the start of the school years feels like a refresh/reset button. We are starting new. The kids are off to 3rd grade and Kindergarten. Colin was only 2 when i was diagnosed and to watch him start Kindergarten this week was amazing to me. In the beginning of this journey I honestly never thought that I was going to be here to witness this moment and I thank God that I am. The kids are off and running and I am going to push reset on my outlook and attitude towards this whole situation that is my life.

How I feel during treatment
How I pretend to feel.
How I make myself feel better. DFCI Pizza in the car (best Pizza in Boston!)

The 2019 Jimmy Fund walk is two weeks away. To register or donate, please visit: http://danafarber.jimmyfund.org/goto/CabralsCrusaders

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7 thoughts on “Where I Live

  1. Janet Wakefield says:

    April…I want to tell you to be strong and all will be OK. But not really knowing what you are going through, have no right to tell you what to do or how to feel. Just want you to know that there are tons of people praying for you and who love you. I am just one of many. So please push that reset button, Sweet Pea…❤️

  2. Anne Bunker says:

    I can’t imagine a world without you in it … or any of our children. I hope you know what I mean. It kills us knowing you have this terrible disease. Thank you for sharing, it always makes me cry. Love you.

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